Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Life and Being Lost

(1 week ago)
It was around 10 pm, and I was heading over to your apartment with three different boxes of pizza sitting in the backseat. I was only headed over at the late hour because I needed to talk, and you, being the friend that you were, said yes.
"I'm about to graduate in a few months," I say. "The main thing is, now that I'm not with my parents, I don't know what to do afterwards."
And I talked about my college life. And all the people that I've met. And how, even though all your friends say that one day you will find love, no one seems to be interested in wanting to know you romantically. And that lack of a long term relationship made that sense of loss stronger.
"I just feel so lost. It's hard to describe, but it's there."

(about a year ago)
My hall mate. We were talking in the common room. She had moved to college from Northern California. She just broke up with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend decided to go to an out of state college, and had told her that he could not promise monogamy, and she would not accept that. She felt alone, in a completely foreign environment, and just learned (over Instagram no less) that her ex had no trouble finding a replacement for her. Someone who was "hotter" in every sense.  She said that she found peace in the soft warmth of white wine, the cheap kinds you find in the corner of the local liquor store. As someone who used to find a similar comfort in alcohol, I could relate to her more than most.  She wanted to go home, to a safe space, but she couldn't. There was a desperate sense of loss and regret.
At times, I imagine where she is now. I hope she has found happiness. Because, I know, there are places one can find the soft warmth that one needs.
(3 years ago)
Summer after high school. My best friend sits across from me. I am talking about my feelings about my future, and how my parents told me that I wasn't doing enough. Tears started streaming from my eyes, tears that I did not want her to see. She held my hand, and told me that I was a fighter, and that even though I don't see it now, I am capable of getting up and fighting another day.
"You can do this," she told me. "Don't give up on me." 
(2 years ago)
At a Starbucks, waiting in line. When the door opens, a classmate from high school walks in. Although we didn't know each other well during that time, you walked over hugged me like a close friend.
You said, "I missed you. Because there was that one time when you made me feel important when I thought no one cared about me. Even though I have forgotten what you said to me then, I remember how special you made me feel."
You then ordered your drink and left. But I never got a chance to tell you how much that meant to me.

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